If Something Annoys Me About Someone Else, It’s Really About Me

As I grow and work tirelessly to improve myself, I’ve become more aware of how much more there is to work on. I learn to accept myself, and understand important concepts along the way.

One such concept I’ve heard about before but never fully understood until recently is this:

“Every person we meet is a reflection of ourselves. What we like or dislike in others says more about us than it does about them.”

But now, whenever I feel strongly triggered — whether by an overwhelming crush or an annoying coworker — I stop and think: “Well, this is interesting. Why is this happening?”

For example, there are times when someone’s behavior annoys the hell out of me. Let’s say someone is constantly showing off, making a spectacle of themselves. It annoys me to no end. But why? Well, it’s because I don’t allow myself to show off. I’m terrified of being seen as an impostor or doing something in public that I’m not 100% confident about. Deep down, I fear judgment and public humiliation. 

Or take another situation: when someone close to me gets aggressive and defends their boundaries, I feel angry, even scared. But again, if I use the concept that everyone reflects a part of me, I realize that I haven’t accepted my own aggression. So, is this a healthy thing for me? Should I learn to express my displeasure and disagreements more openly?

And the last example. Let’s say I have a crush on this amazing woman. I just admire how bright and expressive she is. But admiration, too, is a reflection. It means that I have those qualities within me, but I haven’t found a way to let them shine. I channel them through admiration instead of living them out.

In psychology, there’s actually a term for these reflections: the shadow. The things that trigger us in others are our shadows, parts of ourselves we don’t let out. And the things that we admire in others are called the golden shadow — our unrealized potential.

Over the past year, I’ve been slowly getting to know my shadows. And wow, it’s been an exciting process. So much is surfacing.

But I still have a long way to go.

So, next time your inner critic starts firing off strong emotions toward someone else, ask yourself: “What does this mean for me? What is my shadow?”

Have you ever noticed these shadowy reflections in yourself?