Discovering and Fixing My People-Pleasing Nature

Sometime last year, I had a big realization: I’m a people-pleaser. That’s what they call someone who always wants to be liked by others. 

I was convinced I’d left this trait behind long ago when I first started therapy and other self-growth practices. But I was wrong. As I entered new friendships and a romantic relationship, I noticed the same old pattern, the ‘bug’ in my system.

In psychology, this tendency to be overly ‘nice’ and be afraid of disappointing others is often called Nice Guy Syndrome. While I haven’t experienced these habits with most people for a while, I’ve realized that I do tend to ‘select’ certain people who are important to me — whether it’s someone I love, a wildly successful acquaintance, or someone whose social circle I want to be part of. And, without even realizing it, I start putting them on a pedestal.

That’s when the nerves kick in. Suddenly, I feel self-conscious around these people, especially if I’ve been ‘accepted’ into their group, where I can feel everyone sizing me up. In these moments, my usual confidence seems to vanish, replaced by anxiety and the need to make a good impression.

At first, I denied this pattern. However, after talking to others and asking for honest feedback, my suspicions were confirmed, just as I feared. Catching myself in these people-pleasing moments was frustrating and annoying, and I often felt angry with myself. Still, I accepted this part of me.

Over time, I’ve learned to work with it. I try to ‘catch’ myself whenever I feel myself slipping into those old habits. I remind myself to stay grounded, become more self-aware, take a deep breath, and calm down. The goal is to bring my true self back into the picture.

I can’t say that I have achieved any phenomenal results, but just recognizing these moments and actively working on them makes me proud. There’s so much potential and freedom buried beneath the limitations that come with this desire to be liked. Lately, I’ve been realizing it more and more. Clarity is returning, and light is starting to shine into those dark corners.

Have you ever caught yourself falling into the unconscious habit of being ‘nice’?